


who is in control

by ShatteredEpiphany



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Oikawa Angst Fest 2k17, Panic Attacks, Unreliable Narrator, implied/referenced eating disorder, panic disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 17:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9133261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShatteredEpiphany/pseuds/ShatteredEpiphany
Summary: the Seijoh team likes to tease their captain, his best friend even more so and it's all fine, until it isn't





	

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: Team ""I know you're joking but my anxiety doesn't"  
> also inspired by: areamia's comic "what a captain" on tumblr (go read it, it's amazing!!)
> 
> big thanks to my two betas: karasuunoo and haiijime on tumblr (ily)

Oikawa tucks it away, deep into the recesses of his mind. Every time. It's not much, but it piles up until it can't be tucked away and it starts spilling to the forefront of his thoughts until it's too much and he is overwhelmed.

 

\--

 

It starts small. A teasing comment here and there that he knows for sure is a joke. They make him laugh along easily and leave him with a warm sense of companionship.

 

He loves his team dearly, he has poured so much of himself into it that it now feels like it would physically hurt if he had to part with them. He knows he will have to eventually, after all once they become third years and the tournaments end they will have to retire from the club to focus on the exams, but at least for now they can be together.

 

\--

 

His team likes to tease him, his best friend even more so.

 

“Shittykawa.”

 

“Our useless captain.”

 

“Wow, he is even worse a person, than I thought.”

 

“You don’t deserve all those girls pining after you.”

 

“How long before she realizes how horrible you are and breaks up with you?”

 

“Let’s have captain do this.” or “Let’s have captain pay for this.”

 

“Iwaizumi is much more reliable, Oikawa why are you even here?”

 

It stings. He tucks it all away. Smiles follow.

 

\--

 

"Oh yeah? Who would you date here if you were a girl then?" Oikawa cringes at the question. Sure, the topic of dating comes up often enough, but such a cheesy question that sounds like it was taken from an interview with an idol group is just too much.

 

However, Oikawa is all for team bonding, so he doesn't interrupt or make them do extra practice, even though he really should. _Who discusses stuff like this at 7am?_ Oikawa shakes his head in amusement.

 

"Definitely not Oikawa. His personality is terrible." Somebody says. Oikawa freezes and has to force himself not to look at the offender.

 

Laughter rings out in the cold air of the largely empty gym early in the morning. Oikawa laughs along and tucks it away.

 

An odd heavy feeling settles in his chest and stays there for the rest of the day.

 

\--

 

He sees the conspiring faces of Hanamaki and Matsukawa during practice one day and something chips away at his heart as he sees them whispering and giggling to each other while staring right at him. He knows for sure that they are saying something about him and at this point he really doesn’t want to know.

 

Later that evening he learns that they went out with the team for food after practice. They frequently exclude him from group activities, but this is the first time it’s the whole team. It hurts like wildfire in his chest when Iwaizumi tells him they thought it would be funny if they somehow forgot to tell their captain about this.

 

It leaves Oikawa wondering what the joke is exactly, but he laughs accordingly, as usual, tucking another part of himself away. The forever happy mask tacked on until it can’t be removed anymore.

 

\--

 

At some point Oikawa starts to wonder just how far they will go until they admit that it's no longer a joke and that they all actually do dislike him. Nothing much has changed in the way they act or in what they say, but Oikawa can feel something in his chest crack slowly over time.

 

He starts staying longer in the gym after practice, something which he hasn't done since middle school. 

 

If he can't be a good person as his teammates always point out, he can at least be a good volleyball player, he tells himself.

 

He practices and practices and wonders if Iwaizumi will care enough to stop him this time. He practices until his knee aches all the way through to its core. He practices until the comments he heard about himself fade away, at least for a little while.

 

They return later though, spilling out of the recesses where he has hidden them. He has saved every single one of them.

 

\--

 

He’s in the middle of practicing alone, preparing to make yet another serve, when it hits him out of nowhere.

 

At first, he can’t even understand what is going on, breath coming out in harsh pants, he lands on his knees. The twinge from his injury barely even registering.

 

The empty gym darkens, his vision limited, black spots dancing across it, because he just can’t take a breath. He gasps for air wondering if this is what dying feels like. The fear that grips him makes it even worse, he doesn’t want to die.. Not with his body just giving in like this.

 

It’s all muddled and, with nothing to support him, he ends up dropping helplessly to the cold floor. Through the haze, he spots the only tangible thing in front of him and tries to take a hold of it even though his hands are shaking far too much.

 

The ball rolls away and Oikawa sobs, face down, hot tears dripping to the floor. His chest constricts more and more with each passing second, until he is sure he is seconds from passing out. But he doesn’t. Instead the feeling keeps him in its grip and it feels like forever until it passes.

 

Oikawa isn't sure how long it took, but he finally can take a breath without choking and it’s a sharp relief tinged with dread that, whatever the hell that was, will come back again. He’s alone in the large gym complex on Aoba Johsai campus.

 

(Iwaizumi should have been here, but he’s not, because Oikawa had lied to him about having dinner with his sister and instead came here to practice yet again.)

 

Oikawa gathers all his strength and sits up wiping away the tears that had spilled during his episode with rough movements. He sits there breathing in and out, an odd feeling of heaviness lingering. Oikawa wants it to stop.

 

He sits there cold sweat drying on his exhausted body.

 

He wants everything to go back to how it was.

 

\--

 

Asides from now apparently having to be wary of panic attacks, Oikawa's life continues on the same way.

 

He works himself to the bone trying to be better for his team. He has long since given up trying to be good enough to be their friend.

 

Iwaizumi questions him a few times, he seems insistent, but Oikawa just smiles and says that everything is fine. And it is. For them it is.

 

Oikawa doesn't matter, so why should it be fine for him?

 

Iwaizumi doesn't see through these half-truths. He doesn’t push like he would usually. Oikawa wonders why, his childhood friend used to be so good at reading him, but he guesses that Iwaizumi simply doesn't care enough anymore.

 

Which is fine. Really.

 

\--

 

He's had a panic attack twice since the first time in the gym.

 

Even though his body is punishing him, his practice is paying off. They win a practice match with ease and Oikawa is actually taken along to the celebratory dinner.

 

He watches people silently for the most part, only joining in when somebody addresses him. He doesn't eat, the nausea that follows him around recently keeping him from enjoying food. He’s content enough that they had included him in this.

 

Once the evening comes to an end, he doesn't bat an eyelash when they push the bill onto him, he pulls out his wallet and pays. He hasn't seen any reason to spend money lately, so he can easily afford this.

 

His own stomach twists, but he hopes that his team will like him more now.

 

Nothing changes.

 

\--

 

He often wakes in the middle of the night, body sweaty, and mind in disarray.

 

His nightmares vary, but most frequently he sees the team telling him that they can no longer play with him and Iwaizumi just standing there watching him with cold eyes.

 

Oikawa wonders for a while why this dream causes him so much distress, when he realizes that that is the only thing yet to go wrong. He sincerely hopes it doesn't. Just the thought of it sometimes triggers another panic attack and he hates it with his whole being.

 

He is weak and the proof is right there.

 

\--

 

He is lucky because the attacks so far have happened when he is alone, with only a few close calls. He always suffers and waits them out, simply not knowing any other way to stop them. They leave him sluggish, slow and unable to concentrate long after they are done and it's this lingering feeling that really gets to him.

 

He just wants to feel okay for once, but it doesn't happen. The only content feeling is during practice and after when he is getting more practice alone.

 

He is being useful and not a waste of space.

 

\--

 

But of course his luck has to run out sometime.

 

They are on the rooftop, an odd occurrence of him, Matsukawa and Hanamaki eating lunch together. Well Oikawa isn't really eating, it's hard for him to put anything in his mouth lately, so he just picks at his rice to seem like he is doing something.

 

Hanamaki and Matsukawa are sharing the usual banter between them while Oikawa stares at the sky feeling strangely lethargic. He's not really paying attention to what the other two are saying until he hears the end of a sentence with his name attached. "..so you're saying that we should replace Oikawa?"

 

He doesn't know the context, he doesn't know if it's serious or just one of their more cruel jokes, but it stings. And the sting turns into something else. _No, not now, please._

 

Oikawa feels the now familiar burn in his chest as his airways suddenly close and refuse to intake oxygen. His lunch box clutters to the ground as he claws at his blazer trying to loosen the restrictions around his neck.

 

He sees the panicked faces of Hanamaki and Matsukawa, the sound having attracted them to his struggle. They are saying something, but he's too far gone to hear anything.

 

He feels both hot and cold at the same time and the now familiar feeling of nausea rises, so Oikawa curls up trying to keep still despite his body shaking slightly.

 

He is not used to people being there when this happens, so when Hanamaki tries to touch him Oikawa feels his body flinch violently trying to keep away.

 

Matsukawa is saying something and the overbearing presence leaves, replaced only by the soothing tone of Matsukawa's voice somewhere nearby. Oikawa feels his senses return enough to hear him.

 

"Breathe, Oikawa, try to take a breath together with me." He's counting inhales and exhales crouching down in front of him now, but not close enough to touch. Oikawa struggles for a moment to follow when his body finally allows it and the air fills his lungs.

 

From then it takes about ten minutes until Oikawa feels that he can take a breath normally on his own. His body is still jittery and he feels heavy like usual, but it's different this time.

 

"Thank you." Oikawa croaks out, knowing full well that Matsukawa has probably stopped the attack from escalating and shortened it considerably.

 

Matsukawa doesn't respond and is instead watching him with a strange expression on his face, behind Hanamaki looks even paler than usual, a distraught frown marring his usually happy face.

 

"Oikawa this wasn't a one off thing, was it?" Matsukawa finally asks and all Oikawa can do is shake his head.

 

"You need to tell this to people, so we know how to help you in case it happens again. You're lucky I knew what to do." He pauses for a moment and then asks. “What about Iwaizumi, does he know how to help you?" Oikawa shakes his head even more frantically.

 

"Don't tell him, please." _Enough people know my vulnerability now._

 

"He doesn't know?" Matsukawa looks so shocked that Oikawa almost wants to laugh. "You haven't told him? Have you told anybody?"

 

Again Oikawa shakes his head, his voice betraying him. How could he tell this to anyone? He was a burden as it was, why would he reveal something like this to people who don't like him. Hell he is even surprised that Matsukawa had helped him the way he did.

 

Apparently some of that had spilled out past his lips because Matsukawa looks appalled and Hanamaki is sniffling quietly in the back.

 

Oikawa gets up and stumbles off the rooftop down the stairs not waiting for them to catch up. It's all out in the open now, he can now patiently wait until they kick him off the team.

 

\--

 

But they don’t kick him off the team.

 

Oikawa arrives to evening practice jittery from the anxiety that had gotten worse and worse throughout the day. But everything is the same as usual. Oikawa feels thrown off.

 

He leads the practice just like he always does and the team follows.

 

The only small difference is Hanamaki and Matsukawa stealing glances at him from time to time.  At that Oikawa feels tiny pricks of anxiety swelling again.

 

They can spill the truth at any moment and honestly Oikawa feels terrified.

 

But they don’t.

 

As soon as practice ends and everyone has left except for him, he breathes a sigh of relief.

 

\--

 

He knows they haven’t forgotten, but they still take him by surprise when they corner him at lunch and drag him to a secluded part of the school courtyard.

 

Iwaizumi stares after them curious, but shrugs and leaves to eat with his classmates. He’s been doing that more and more often.

 

“We’ve given you some space, but I think we really need to address the issue here.” Matsukawa starts looking a bit grim.

 

“Several issues.” Hanamaki adds.

 

Oikawa shrugs tiredly. Now that the confrontation is here, he feels strangely detached.

 

“Let’s start with the obvious. We won’t tell anyone about your panic attacks.” Oikawa startles regaining some feeling at Matsukawa’s words.

 

“Y-you won’t?” He stutters, but they don’t point it out. Oikawa finds it odd, he has grown to expect them to take advantage of any flaw he displays.  They’ve done that for so long now.

 

“Yeah, but you should tell somebody. Your parents would be best, so you can get to a doctor for treatment.” Matsukawa continues now staring at Oikawa with a serious gaze. It takes Oikawa a moment to realize that he expects an answer. He can’t imagine that happening, his parents are barely around, but he nods anyway.

 

“Ok, with that out of the way. Oikawa, do you really think we hate you?” Hanamaki asks and Oikawa almost catches himself thinking that he sounds pained.

 

It takes him a moment to gather himself and then it spills out.

 

“But don’t you? Doesn’t everyone on the team? You keep reminding me how shitty of a person I am, I just thought it was obvious..” Oikawa’s voice breaks in the middle, but he pushes the words out of his mouth. They have been on his mind for so long and he is relieved that he can finally voice them and somebody will hear him.

 

Oikawa is startled to feel sudden warmth engulfing him. Both Hanamaki and Matsukawa are hugging him close, their tall bodies squishing him slightly.

 

“We don't hate you.” One of them whispers. “We’re so sorry that we made you feel that way, Tooru.” The other continues.

 

Oikawa startles at the use of his given name, it sounds so odd hearing it from the usually carefree duo. They're never this serious. They continue whispering words of comfort and Oikawa wonders how they knew exactly what he needed to hear.

 

Tears start slipping down his face, slowly and then all at once. The weight in his body receding with every word, every whisper of apology. He returns the hug fiercely now, not sure that they won’t suddenly take it back, but unwilling to let an opportunity to be close to them slip by.

 

When they pull back he sees that Hanamaki’s eyes are slightly reddish and Matsukawa is sniffling. It’s then he realizes that this is real, that they actually mean it.

 

Oikawa’s chest feels warm for the first time in a very long time.

 

\--

 

After this Oikawa doesn’t hear any more comments from his teammates.

 

He is sure that Hanamaki and Matsukawa have said something to them. Strangely enough the only one who seems to not have gotten the memo is Iwaizumi, but now that no one else is encouraging the teasing comments Oikawa finds that it’s not so bad.

 

After all, Iwaizumi has always been like that. That’s how their friendship has always been.

 

Matsukawa and Hanamaki confirm that they haven’t said anything to Iwaizumi. They pointedly look at Oikawa and tell him that he should tell Iwaizumi himself.

 

Oikawa knows this. He has a lot of things he should be telling Iwaizumi, but he feels the tendrils of anxiety choke him every time he even thinks of the subject around the other. Yeah, Matsukawa and Hanamaki understood him, but he’s not guaranteed to get the same outcome every time.

 

The first time was already unbelievable to Oikawa. The second – seems impossible.

 

\--

 

“We’ll help you talk to him.” Matsukawa says one afternoon almost a week after they had their own confrontation.

 

They are laying on the grass in the same courtyard, Oikawa’s head is cushioned by Matsukawa’s lap and Hanamaki is right there besides them, his fingers running through Oikawa’s hair in a soothing fashion.

 

“Yeah, you don’t have to do this alone. Though it still has to be you who tells him.” Hanamaki murmurs and Oikawa looks up at him eyes half lidded from feeling comfortable and the other smiles at him warmly. Oikawa feels himself blushing.

 

He is so glad that he has the two of them.

 

Anxiety still follows him around like a dark cloud throughout each school day, but he hasn’t had a panic attack since the one on the rooftop and honestly it feels so good, his body is lighter and his chest doesn’t ache as it did just some time ago.

 

He thinks he can do this.

 

\--

 

His luck runs out.

 

Just like always.

 

He doesn’t get to talk to Iwaizumi together with Matsukawa and Hanamaki. Iwaizumi gets to him first.

 

It happens on a grey afternoon when he has to stay at school longer, because of class cleaning duties. He is about to change his shoes and leave the school building, when the locker behind him slams shut loudly. Oikawa jumps feeling like his heart is just about to thump out of his chest and suddenly Iwaizumi is in front of him.

 

His expression is dark and Oikawa feels the familiar sensation of panic crawl up his throat. The other hasn’t even spoken, but Oikawa’s breath is already short and he feels himself sweating.

 

“So can you tell me why you’re still avoiding me and what’s going on with you and Hanamaki and Matsukawa?” Iwaizumi’s voice is the usual gruff tone, but Oikawa’s mind distorts it and it sounds angry.

 

Oikawa whimpers. He can’t do this. He can’t..

 

The black spots dancing in his vision alert him to the fact that he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe, he can’t..

 

He vaguely registers Iwaizumi’s voice saying something in a panicked voice and he feels himself clutching onto the other’s blazer to steady himself.

 

They end up on the floor and the next thing Oikawa sees clearly is a phone, Iwaizumi’s phone, near his face and there’s Matsukawa’s voice guiding him once again through breathing exercises. He glances up and there’s Iwaizumi looking distraught, but once their gazes lock Iwaizumi sits beside him, a warm hand on his shoulder and now they are doing the breathing exercise together.

 

Oikawa feels the tension drift away. Slowly. He can breathe.

 

“Thanks, Mattsun.” Iwaizumi says shortly and ends the call, though he still seems to suspect that Oikawa might have another panic attack at any moment. At least his wary glances and jittery movements seem to indicate so.

 

“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa looks away and pulls his jacket closer, suddenly feeling cold.

 

“What the hell are you talking about, Oikawa? You don’t have to apologize for something like this.” Iwaizumi sounds strained and Oikawa is scared that he might get angry again, but is surprised when Iwaizumi pulls him closer to his chest.

 

They are still sitting on the floor of the entrance of the school, but Oikawa finds that he doesn’t care. Instead he takes in the warmth that is radiating from Iwaizumi. Oikawa’s head is neatly tucked underneath Iwaizumi’s chin and he can hear the other’s pulse - fast but steady. He realizes how much he has been missing this, Iwaizumi being there next to him.

 

“You don’t have to apologize..” Iwaizumi whispers again and Oikawa feels him shudder as if in pain. “I just wish you would have confided in me about this. Why didn’t you?”

 

“How did you know to call Mattsun?” Oikawa asks instead of answering the question. It’s all out in the open now, but he still wants to keep some of it to himself, lest he would feel completely exposed and vulnerable.

 

“I saw how close you guys suddenly became. I just took a chance, thinking that he would know something, at least. You scared the shit out of me, you know that? I panicked.” Iwaizumi is rambling, but Oikawa feels better knowing that Iwaizumi had been watching, he hadn’t been completely oblivious all this time and so Oikawa untangles himself from Iwaizumi’s embrace and shushes the other with a finger pressed to trembling lips.

 

“I will tell you everything.” Oikawa takes a breath strengthening his resolve. “But not here.”

 

They sit there until Oikawa has enough strength to stand up and even then Iwaizumi helps him, a warm hand on Oikawa’s waist for support.

 

-

 

They end up in Oikawa’s dark, messy bedroom. Nobody is home and there’s a stagnant feeling in the air.

 

Iwaizumi looks around realizing that he can’t remember the last time he was here and that something has changed since then. He has let something change, not all of it is his fault, but a large portion stems from him simply letting Oikawa slip into whatever this was.

 

Oikawa doesn’t turn on the lights and Iwaizumi watches as he crosses the room and stands next to the window. The dim light from the outside frames Oikawa’s body and Iwaizumi swallows hard realizing how thin the other has become. The stress seems to have worn him down until only sharp, jutting lines remained.

 

“First I want to say that I don’t blame you, so don’t blame yourself either. This, the panic attacks and everything else, was my fault.” Oikawa turns halfway and smiles at Iwaizumi. It seems genuine for once.

 

Iwaizumi wants to say something in return, protest, but nothing seems good enough so he drops his bag and sits on Oikawa’s bed instead.

 

He decides to wait until Oikawa has said everything he wants to, he hopes fervently that he won’t hide from Iwaizumi anymore.

 

“It all started rather simply..”

 

Iwaizumi then listens with abject horror as Oikawa lays out his feelings from the past months in front of him. Of course, he had known that something was wrong. He had seen Oikawa become more and more withdrawn, offering excuses and sometimes even blatant lies not to be near Iwaizumi and the other team members.

 

He had tried time and time again to talk to the other and see what was going on, but Oikawa hadn’t let him in. In the end, Iwaizumi had decided to let Oikawa deal with it himself and come to Iwaizumi once he was comfortable enough.

 

Obviously, that had been the wrong choice.

 

The, what he thought were light and teasing, comments had left a mark on Oikawa. He knew that no one on the team actually meant them as they were, but Oikawa didn’t. He hopes that he does now.

 

“Makki and Mattsun were so good about it. They apologized and then talked to the team too. And you saw how Mattsun calmed me down, apparently one of his aunts has a panic disorder and he had picked up on what to do from his mother.” Oikawa says fidgeting with his jacket. Iwaizumi can pretty much feel how nervous the other is.

 

“I’m sorry too.” Iwaizumi finally speaks, he looks to Oikawa and catches his eyes, hoping that his sincerity comes across at least a little bit. “Both for everything I said and that I didn’t realize how much it was affecting you, it shouldn’t have taken you breaking down in front of me for me to know, but it did and for that I’m sorry. I’ve been a really shitty friend.”

 

Oikawa’s eyes widen, it doesn’t seem that he had been expecting quite these words.

 

“Even though I already said I don’t blame you, I forgive you, Iwa-chan.” Iwaizumi feels something inside of him lighten. Oikawa is smiling softly in the dim lighting and suddenly Iwaizumi can’t bear it anymore.

 

“You’re amazing, okay?  My best friend, my partner in volleyball. I couldn’t do any of this,” Iwaizumi vaguely gestures around, “without you.”

 

He sees Oikawa’s mouth fall open in shock and continues right on. “You’re definitely not useless, nor are you a bad person. You don’t have to make up for anything, you don’t have to overwork yourself. Your team loves you..” In that moment Iwaizumi’s universe takes a pause and then speeds right back up.

 

“I love you.” He breathes out softly and in that moment he knows it to be true. He doesn’t know how to put his feelings into words properly, they have never been his strong suit, but the word love seems to fit quite well for now.

 

It takes only a second and Oikawa is across the room falling on top of Iwaizumi who laughs breathlessly as they tangle together on the small bed. Finally closing the distance between them.

 

“Thank you, Iwa-chan. This means so much to me.” He feels the words tickle the skin somewhere close to his ear and shudders the feelings overwhelming him. He realizes he is crying only when Oikawa pulls back to wipe away the tears.

 

“I know that Mattsun and Maki have been the ones supporting you, but I hope that you find it in yourself to rely on me as well. I want to help you with this.” He says feeling his breath hitch as more tears slip down his face.

 

“Ok, I will, just stop crying.” Oikawa answers amused, his hands lingering on Iwaizumi’s wet face.

 

The kiss that follows is full of comfort, tastes like salt and promises to be kept.

 

_coda:_

 

It’s after the next time they lose to Shiratorizawa, that his team shows him yet again how much worth he is to them.

 

Oikawa feels overwhelmed with guilt, the panic building up in him as they shake hands with their opponents. They lost again. He wants to escape, he wants to escape this crushing feeling. He doesn’t get far because his team surrounds him as they exit the gym their loud and proud voices drowning out all the negativity in his head.

 

“Great job today captain.”

 

“That receive you managed in the first set really saved us.”

 

“Next time Shiratorizawa is going down.”

 

“I would date you, even though you’re not a girl.”

 

“Mattsun, what the hell does that have to do with anything?”

 

“Nothing, I just wanted to say it.”

 

“Captain, will you still treat us to dinner?”

 

“Yeah, I’m starving, Prettykawa.”

 

“He calls him Prettykawa. Did you hear that guys?”

 

Oikawa laughs blushing at all the praise bestowed upon him. His chest suddenly light and breathing easy. Iwaizumi is right there next to him, their hands intertwined and Oikawa thinks that there is nothing that can bring him down as long as these people are here.

 

Here with him till the end.

**Author's Note:**

> comments? anyone else want to make #OikawaAngstFest2k17 a thing?
> 
> [tumblr](http://mingohomo.tumblr.com/)


End file.
